Steve Grogan is an ongoing contributor to Writer to Writers. He has published several short stories on the site, which can be found on the main page under the heading “Steve Grogan’s Fiction.” He has had several poems and short stories published over the years, some of which are available on Amazon. (See the announcement at the end of this post.)
He is the writer and creator of the ongoing, zombie, post-apocalyptic, Romero-meets-Dungeons-and-Dragons webcomic REDemption. Alternatively, Steve describes the comic by saying, “It is to zombie fiction what KILL BILL was to kung fu movies: everything I love about the genre housed under one roof and mixed with my voice.”
September 29, 2008
When I got upstairs, the first thing I did was get my pants off. Then, realizing there was nothing else to do, I sat on the couch and let myself zone out. I didn’t even bother to turn on any lights. I just sat there in the quiet, my face covered by the pink glow of sunset. My penis dangled down to the living room floor, now completely flaccid.
Then I started to think about things. What was I going to do with myself? At that point in time, I could never be sure when my size would change. No one else in the world seemed to have ever had this problem, so it wasn’t like I could go to a doctor for a cure. In other words, stepping outside my apartment was now impossible. The only thing I could ever dare go outside for would be to take my trash out.
Luckily I had the two most important bases covered, which were work and pay. I worked from home, and my paycheck was deposited right into my bank account. Not only that but I had my own place. Can’t even begin to imagine what I would have done if I had this condition but lived with someone else!
The thoughts about my situation fizzled out around six o’clock, coincidentally the same time my stomach started growling. I made my way out to the kitchen. As I looked inside the fridge, trying to decide what I wanted out of what little food I had, another issue dawned on me: what was I going to do about groceries? Somewhere I had once heard that certain grocery chains would deliver your groceries to your house. Then I remembered hearing of some people ordering them online. My next step should be to call around and see if any local grocery stores offered this delivery service. If not, it was time to hop online and see just exactly how you ordered groceries over the computer.
While I boiled some water to make a package of Ramen noodles, I looked through the phone book for the nearest Price Chopper number. Seven digits and two rings later, I was speaking to a pleasant woman named Martha.
“Hi, Martha. I was just wondering if Price Chopper has a home delivery service.”
“You mean for people who can’t get to the store themselves, right?” she asked.
“Right,” I confirmed.
“Yes, we do.”
“Okay. What information do you need from me to set this up?”
Martha said, “Your name, address, and phone number. That’s pretty much it. You call us up when you’re ready to order. We pull your name up by your number. Then you give us your list. We get it together for you, and someone brings it over. As for payment, we take cash, credit card, or check.”
“Could you keep the credit card on file so I don’t have to give it to you every time I call?” I asked.
“We certainly can,” Martha said. “Are you interested in signing up now?”
“I don’t have a list of what I need yet. I’ll call back when I’m ready,” I said.
“All right. You know our number.”
I laughed. “Thank you, Martha.”
I hung up and turned back to the stove just in time for a couple drops of boiling water to leap out of the pot and land on my elongated shaft. A strangled yelp of pain popped out of my mouth before I could silence myself. Luckily I managed to contain every other shout that wanted to explode out of me. There was no choice in the matter. I had to be quiet, or have Mr. Washington call the cops on me. As cathartic as yelling in pain would be, I had to think of how embarrassing it would be for the police (or anyone for that matter) to show up and see me in this state.
Here I get to the point in my narrative where I reveal what I think is the most interesting part about the size curse. It presents me with things that I didn’t even know would be a problem until they occur. Cooking never used to be an issue for me, but now I had to figure out how I could make food without getting my dick burned. My first thought was to cover myself with an apron, but I didn’t own one and I sure as hell couldn’t go out to buy one. Let’s not forget I could no longer wear anything below the waist because sometimes the growth would burst right through the fabric. What other choices did I have? Never eat anything I had to cook? No, that was not an option I was willing to consider. There had to be another solution, but for the moment I couldn’t think of it. All I could do was finish making my noodles and worry about it later. An answer would come in time.
Sure enough, it arrived at eight o’clock that very night. I was watching a show that had several teenage characters on it. One of them had a flannel shirt tied around his waist. That’s it, I thought. Instead of tying it so the shirt is in back, I could tie it in front. If I did that, the shirt would function as an apron. One more problem solved, and who the fuck knew how many more to go.
If you like what you have read and would like to purchase this serialized novel as one complete PDF, then please send $3.50 to Steve via PayPal: firstname.lastname@example.org
Also, don’t forget to check out his other writing at the following links below:
Author: Redemption Comics
Steve Grogan was born in the often-filmed city of Troy, NY. He has written in a variety of formats (novels, short stories, poems, screen and stage plays, blogs/articles) and genres (horror, science fiction, fantasy, mystery, drama).
Steve is also a father, a boyfriend, a musician, a fitness fanatic, and a martial artist. He has been studying Wing Chun Kung Fu since 1995, and he maintains a blog/YouTube channel that describe his training habits, epiphanies, and advancement. It also candidly discusses his stumbling blocks, such as his struggle with nutrition and mental health issues.
He is no relation to the New England Patriots quarterback from the 1980’s.